Friday, November 19, 2004
i'm jaded, but not in the cool way
This is gonna be long, boring and serious, so if you're looking for a larf, go elsewhere (or come back later)
my head is swimming with thought.
I forced myself to go to campus crusade tonight, i really didn't want to, but i did. The worship was really good, it was your general contemporary christian music, but it work (although usually i find that kind of music annoying). It was wired, i could feel the holy spirit trying to break through and i had glimpses of my heart. I saw wounds that I've been trying to hide from others and from myself.
I saw the wounds left over from bible college, not just because the bullshit and the dumb ass rules and all the rest, but because I was sure that I was called there. I can tell you the exact moment when i thought i was called to enter the ministry. (i realize that every christian is called to ministry and is a pastor, but i'm talking about a calling as a vocation which is what pastor's seem to often emphasize). I was sure i was supposed to be there and be a youth pastor, but i'm not there anymore. Part of me wants to be mad at God for misleading me, I put my trust in Him and I failed. But of course that's not the truth. Somewhere along the line i screwed up. I don;t know if it was interpreting the voice of God or in leaving bible college or anywhere else along the line, but now I have trouble trusting in God, not because He mislead me, but because my comprehension of Him is significantly less then what I thought it was 2 years ago. I'm not even sure that God has a specific in everyone's life, but maybe He's satisfied with us honoring Him in whatever we end up doing. But then again maybe He does have a specific calling, in which case the question is am I going against that will? I dunno, if anyone has some scripture to throw at me, throw away.
I've also realized what a loss the leaving of Caleb is in my life. He taught me what true spirituality is, and I guess subconsciously I allowed a lot of my spirituality to be rooted in him, which isn't exactly a good thing since it should be rooted in God alone. But to further things, I no longer have spiritual leadership in my life, or maybe I should say spiritual leadership that I know I can trust. (not that there's n e one that I don't trust.) I no longer have a mentor. I'm on my own in a big world. ya, it's part of growing up, but it's a shitty part.
I've given up alcohol, some of you may be surprised to know that I drank at all. I only started this summer after bible college, and didn't do it that much until I got up here. Now I will say that the bible not only says nothing against drinking (it says don't get drunk) but there are also scriptures that talk about wine, etc, being an ok thing. But personally, I come from a long line of men who enjoy abusing there booze, well my dad was never too too bad with it, pretty much all the other generations have had issues. I've also come to realize that in the end, booze just makes you stupid and poor, and I don't need booze to be stupid, I can do that on my own for free.
further more theres plenty of other crap floating around, but school is making me too analytical. So if you've read to the end of this, then congrats, I never would have! But as your reward; go here!
my head is swimming with thought.
I forced myself to go to campus crusade tonight, i really didn't want to, but i did. The worship was really good, it was your general contemporary christian music, but it work (although usually i find that kind of music annoying). It was wired, i could feel the holy spirit trying to break through and i had glimpses of my heart. I saw wounds that I've been trying to hide from others and from myself.
I saw the wounds left over from bible college, not just because the bullshit and the dumb ass rules and all the rest, but because I was sure that I was called there. I can tell you the exact moment when i thought i was called to enter the ministry. (i realize that every christian is called to ministry and is a pastor, but i'm talking about a calling as a vocation which is what pastor's seem to often emphasize). I was sure i was supposed to be there and be a youth pastor, but i'm not there anymore. Part of me wants to be mad at God for misleading me, I put my trust in Him and I failed. But of course that's not the truth. Somewhere along the line i screwed up. I don;t know if it was interpreting the voice of God or in leaving bible college or anywhere else along the line, but now I have trouble trusting in God, not because He mislead me, but because my comprehension of Him is significantly less then what I thought it was 2 years ago. I'm not even sure that God has a specific in everyone's life, but maybe He's satisfied with us honoring Him in whatever we end up doing. But then again maybe He does have a specific calling, in which case the question is am I going against that will? I dunno, if anyone has some scripture to throw at me, throw away.
I've also realized what a loss the leaving of Caleb is in my life. He taught me what true spirituality is, and I guess subconsciously I allowed a lot of my spirituality to be rooted in him, which isn't exactly a good thing since it should be rooted in God alone. But to further things, I no longer have spiritual leadership in my life, or maybe I should say spiritual leadership that I know I can trust. (not that there's n e one that I don't trust.) I no longer have a mentor. I'm on my own in a big world. ya, it's part of growing up, but it's a shitty part.
I've given up alcohol, some of you may be surprised to know that I drank at all. I only started this summer after bible college, and didn't do it that much until I got up here. Now I will say that the bible not only says nothing against drinking (it says don't get drunk) but there are also scriptures that talk about wine, etc, being an ok thing. But personally, I come from a long line of men who enjoy abusing there booze, well my dad was never too too bad with it, pretty much all the other generations have had issues. I've also come to realize that in the end, booze just makes you stupid and poor, and I don't need booze to be stupid, I can do that on my own for free.
further more theres plenty of other crap floating around, but school is making me too analytical. So if you've read to the end of this, then congrats, I never would have! But as your reward; go here!
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